Many leaders make this move when indirect feedback shows up.
And it often backfires.

Someone brings you critical feedback about a person on your team.
Your instinct is to encourage them to speak directly to each other and step out.

I see this reflex again and again with thoughtful leaders.
And it came up in a recent coaching conversation too.

You know the moment.
You feel responsible.
And uncomfortable.

You do not want to make the issue bigger than it is.
You do not want your team member to feel talked about behind their back.
You do not want to damage a relationship that might already be fragile.

So you choose what feels clean and fair.
You send them back to each other.

Often, that is where it ends.
They decide it is not worth raising after all.
They do not want to make a big deal of it.
And the tension quietly stays in the system.

Here is the insight that shifted things for the leader I was working with:

They were holding one dilemma where there were actually two.

How people feel about the situation
and
What the right next step is

When those get mixed, leaders often default to emotional care and unintentionally step away from responsibility.

Separating them changes everything.

You can acknowledge frustration without agreeing with it.
You can encourage direct dialogue and still hold the system.
You can care deeply about relationships without outsourcing leadership.

Sometimes the most helpful move is simply to say:

What do you hope I will do with what you just shared?
And are you open to me speaking with the other person about it?

That is not triangulation.
That is leadership.

Indirect feedback is uncomfortable because it sits exactly where leadership actually matters.

For centuries, human civilization has moved forward under the reign of masculine dominance, both in leadership and ideology. Across continents and cultures, power structures, societal norms, and even personal values have been shaped largely by traits traditionally associated with masculine energy: assertiveness, logic, decisiveness, ambition, and control. While these traits are not inherently negative, their unchecked ascendency has created a world that is, in many ways, dangerously out of balance.

We live today in the wake of this imbalance. Climate change ravages ecosystems. Wars continue to destroy lives and heritage. Socioeconomic systems favour exploitation over empathy. Loneliness and anxiety plague even the most connected societies. Is it possible that the global suffering we witness is not merely the result of bad policies or flawed technologies, but a deeper energetic distortion, one rooted in the chronic suppression of the feminine?

Understanding Energies Beyond Gender

Before diving deeper, it’s vital to clarify that “masculine” and “feminine” energies, as used here, are not strictly tied to biological sex or gender identity. They are archetypal qualities found in all beings. Masculine energy, at its best, provides structure, direction, and assertiveness. Feminine energy embodies intuition, nurturing, collaboration, and introspection. In balance, these energies create wholeness and vitality in both individuals and societies. But in imbalance, we get aggression without empathy, logic without wisdom, and progress without sustainability.

The Historical Silencing of the Feminine

Over millennia, patriarchal structures have suppressed the feminine in overt and covert ways, from silencing women’s voices to devaluing emotional intelligence, communal decision-making, and care work. Indigenous wisdom, often steeped in feminine energy and earth-centric spirituality, was crushed by colonial conquest. Women who embodied intuitive knowledge, as midwives, healers, or mystics, were labelled dangerous and eradicated. This wasn’t just the repression of people; it was the repression of a vital energetic force.

As a result, our systems, economic, political, ecological, have grown out of sync with the natural rhythms of life. We see the earth as a resource to be mined, not a living organism to be cared for. We measure success by GDP, not by the well-being of communities. We prioritize competition over cooperation, conquest over compassion.

Leadership Is Not the Same as Energetic Balance

At first glance, it may seem that progress is being made. More women today occupy leadership positions than ever before, even at the highest levels, CEOs, presidents, entrepreneurs. But a closer look reveals a more complex reality. Many of these women have succeeded by mastering and mirroring the dominant masculine energies of the systems they work within. They have learned to be decisive, strategic, results-oriented, often at the cost of suppressing their own innate feminine energies.

This isn’t a critique of women in power; it’s a reflection of the structures that reward certain behaviours and sideline others. The world rarely makes space at the table for feminine ways of leading, through intuition, deep listening, emotional intelligence, and collective wisdom. Until we begin to recognise, honour, and reward these traits with the same seriousness as we do efficiency and dominance, balance will remain out of reach.

True transformation will come not just from who leads, but from how they lead.

Symptoms of Imbalance

The signs of imbalance are everywhere. Climate change is not just an environmental issue, it’s a relational one. We have lost our relationship with the earth, with future generations, and even with our own emotional lives. War, famine, and systemic oppression are extreme manifestations of domination energy gone unchecked.

Marginalized communities, often closer to the earth and to collective ways of being, suffer first and hardest. Their pain is not a coincidence, it is the bleeding edge of an imbalanced global psyche that values force over feeling.

Rebalancing the Energies

The path forward is not about replacing one kind of energy with another. It is about integration.

The masculine without the feminine is celebrated as ruthless. The feminine without the masculine is dismissed as indecisive. That contrast reveals the bias itself: we reward force, and we mistrust softness.

Until we begin to recognise, honour, and reward qualities like deep listening, emotional intelligence, relational awareness, and collective wisdom with the same seriousness as we do decisiveness and drive, balance will remain out of reach.

True transformation will come not just from who leads, but from how they lead.

Imagine a leadership model where intuition is as valued as data. An economic system that rewards caregiving and community as much as innovation. Schools that teach emotional literacy alongside math. Foreign policies shaped by empathy as well as strategy. This is not utopian, it is necessary.

To get there, we must actively dismantle the cultural bias that views feminine traits as “soft” or “secondary.” We must champion leaders who model vulnerability, nurture teams, build relationships, and choose collaboration over control, not as exceptions, but as norms.

Conclusion: A Sacred Task

The restoration of feminine energy is not a “women’s issue”, it is a planetary one. Every human being, regardless of gender, is called to reawaken the feminine within: to listen deeply, to connect authentically, to nurture life in all its forms. This is the sacred task of our time. Only by healing this ancient wound, this suppression of the feminine, can we hope to heal the world.

Balance is not a luxury. It is the foundation of sustainability. The future depends on how courageously we reclaim the forgotten half of our shared humanity.

Disclaimer:
This is an opinion piece rooted in personal reflection and a desire for collective healing. The use of terms like “masculine” and “feminine” refers to archetypal energies, not biological or gendered identities. and is not intended to stereotype or exclude. If any part of this piece feels offensive or alienating, please know that is the opposite of my intention. My hope is to open a conversation, not to close one down. I welcome thoughtful dialogue and diverse perspectives.

Most feedback conversations fail before they even start.
Because we try to answer three different questions at once.

How am I doing.
How can I get better.
Do you notice my effort.

Performance.
Improvement.
Appreciation.

Each one matters.
But each one meets a different need.

And when they get mixed, the message blurs.
The intention gets lost.
The relationship strains.

This is the third post in my series on hard conversations. I share the full series (and monthly reflections) in my newsletter.

Some of these ideas are inspired by the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

When people know which conversation they’re in, they can listen. They can grow. They can trust you.

Most “positive feedback” isn’t really positive.
It’s a warning sign.
We hear the compliment…
but our body waits for the real message.
That’s the problem.

When appreciation is used as a soft entry into criticism, trust erodes.
Praise becomes a doorway to something heavier.

Real growth needs the opposite:
Appreciation that stands on its own.
Criticism that arrives honestly, clearly, and without disguise.

Leaders who separate the two build teams that feel safe.
And teams that actually listen.

If you’ve ever felt that “brace for impact” moment, this carousel will make sense.

👇 Full breakdown inside.

If you missed any of these reflections, here they are gathered gently in one place.

The heaviness that lingers after a tough moment is a call for repair

A reflection on the silence that follows conflict, the distance that small tensions create, and the simple human gestures that help us return to one another. This piece looks at the quiet skill of repairing relationships, especially in remote work where those small moments often vanish.
Read here:
https://newsletter.ashokmohan.com/p/you-know-that-strange-heaviness-that

Hard conversations do not get lighter when we avoid them

A meditation on avoidance, pressure and the inner noise that grows when something important is left unsaid. This piece offers a gentler way to approach difficult conversations by focusing less on perfect delivery and more on mutual understanding.
Read here:
https://newsletter.ashokmohan.com/p/some-conversations-do-not-get-lighter

Every leader hits this wall when what feels true for them clashes with what the system expects

A look at the inner conflict leaders face when integrity pulls one way and pressure pulls another. This note explores how standing in your truth is not enough unless others can hear it, and how influence begins with understanding where people are.
Read here:
https://newsletter.ashokmohan.com/p/every-leader-hits-this-wall-when

Thank you for reading along this month.
Thank you for giving your attention to these quiet reflections.
I hope something here helps you pause, breathe and return to what matters.

Warmly
Ashok

You know that strange heaviness that lingers after a tough meeting.
The silence. The slight distance.
The feeling that something small has shifted.

For leaders, these moments are the real test.
Not the conflict itself, but what happens right after.

In every team I have supported, the strongest ones share one quiet superpower.
The ability to repair.

Relationship researcher John Gottman describes these micro gestures as repair attempts.
The small ways people reach out after tension to say without words,
“We are still okay.”

Teams do this too.
After a heated debate, someone asks about the weekend.
A colleague lingers for a moment on the way out.
A soft check in that smooths the edges.

These small moves matter more than we realise.
They keep tension from settling into distance.

And this is where remote work makes things harder.
A video call ends and everyone disappears instantly.
No hallway moments.
No small repairs.

Tension stays in the system with nowhere to go.

Here is a simple frame I share with leaders:

How to repair well
Notice the tension
Reach out quickly
Reset the working relationship with a small human gesture

Nothing big. Nothing formal.
Just consistent repair.

Relationships thrive because they keep repairing.
Not once. Not perfectly. Just consistently.

If tension shows up today, repair it before it settles.

Originally posted on LinkedIn on 18 Nov 2025

Some conversations do not get lighter when we avoid them.
They just get louder in our minds.

We rehearse them on walks, rewrite them late at night, and carry them quietly into our days.

Not because they are dramatic, but because something that matters feels at stake.

This is the first post in a series on navigating hard conversations.

A small reminder that you do not need perfect words.

You only need openness, presence, and a willingness to understand each other.

Which conversation is quietly asking for your attention today?

Every leader hits this wall: when doing what feels right for you clashes with what seems right for the system.

You’ve probably been there.
When your sense of integrity pulls one way, while culture, people, or pressure pull another.
You do what feels right by your principles, but it doesn’t land.
Or you do what keeps the system moving, and it leaves you uneasy, like you’ve stepped away from yourself just a little.
That’s the tension between leading from values and leading with influence.

Leading from values means standing firm in your beliefs, speaking truth, doing what feels right.
But when overused, it can disconnect you from others.

Leading with influence means meeting people where they are. Understanding their context, listening deeply, and translating what matters to you into something that resonates with them.

It’s not about giving up your truth.
It’s about expressing it in a way others can hear, engage with, and move alongside.
Because leadership is not only about standing firm.
It’s about creating movement.

If this speaks to you, share it with someone who might need it too.

Feeling stressed or anxious and not sure what to do in that moment?
Here is a simple tool that I have found to always help. It is available anytime, anywhere and takes only a minute.

For years I have used a simple breathing technique to steady myself:

Inhale for 4 seconds. Exhale for 6 seconds.

It always felt effective. My body softened, my mind cleared.
But I was curious if that change was really happening inside the body.

So, I tested it using HRV (heart rate variability) monitoring and biofeedback hardware from Lief.

The data confirmed what I felt. Every time I practiced this pattern, my HRV increased within seconds.
A clear sign that the body was shifting into a calmer and more balanced state.

This happens because a longer exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of our physiology responsible for rest, recovery and regulation.
It signals the body that it is safe, slows the heart rate and restores equilibrium after stress.

How to try it:

Inhale gently through your nose for 4 seconds
Exhale slowly through your mouth or nose for 6 seconds
Repeat for 6 cycles
Notice how your body feels before and after

It is simple, accessible and always with you.
A reminder that calm is not something we need to find.
It is something we can create, one breath at a time.
If you try it, I would love to hear what you notice.
Did it help you settle, or not really? Share in the comments.

Ever been in a meeting where everyone’s right, and nothing moves forward?

Each person talking sense, but from their own sense.
Each stuck in their own perspective.

Integral theory helps explain why.
We all tend to see and make sense of the world through four different lenses: I, We, It, and Its. After 10 years coaching leaders, I’ve seen most tension boil down to this 4-lens clash.

And most of us have one we naturally default to, a kind of home base in how we think and relate.

From I, our attention turns inward:
👉 Am I the right person for this?
👉 Does this feel right to me?

From We, it turns toward connection:
🤝 Can I trust these people enough to collaborate with them?
🤝 Are we aligned on what matters?

From It, the focus moves to action:
⚙️ Enough talking, let’s get started.
⚙️ What’s the next step?

From Its, we see the larger system:
🌐 How does all of this make sense?
🌐 Before we act, do we have a clear plan?

None of these is wrong.
Each brings a valuable way of seeing, and together they create a fuller picture.
But when we always default to one, we limit what’s possible.

We see and do everything from that single vantage point, and things start to get stuck.

The shift begins when we start to notice our own default,
and learn to listen, think, and act from the other three as well.

💭 Which one feels most like your home base?
Once you know your home base, you can start leading from all four.

Save this for the next time you get stuck.

If I could go back, I’d learn this one communication skill first.

How often do we find ourselves hoping someone will get the hint?
We talk around what we really want, describing situations, sharing frustrations, or dropping subtle cues, and then feel disappointed when the other person does not respond the way we hoped.
One of the simplest yet most powerful communication skills I learned early in my coaching education, and wish I had learned as a child or at least when I was in various leadership roles, is the skill of making a request.

Making a request is not about being demanding.
It is about being clear.
It is the most direct and respectful way to communicate what you would like the other person to do.
Here are some examples that I have seen show up many times.

You tell your manager the team feels disconnected from company goals.
Instead of stopping there, you might say:
“Would you be willing to join our next town hall and share how you see our team’s work connected to the company vision?”

An employee tells you they are overworked and struggling to manage priorities.
Instead of meandering through the conversation, you could say:
“Would you be willing to come prepared next time we talk with a list of what you have been working on so we can go through it together and decide what to eliminate?”

Your partner often leaves their shoes on the floor and it really bothers you.
Instead of the passive comment “Ah, you left your shoes out again!” you could say:
“It bothers me to see the shoes on the floor. Would you be willing to put them in the shoe rack for my sake?”
It is a small shift, from hinting to asking, but it changes everything.

When we make clear requests, we give others the chance to say yes, no, or something in between.
And that is where real understanding and collaboration begin.
What is a request you wish you had made more directly in the past?

Have you ever left a conversation feeling that you were talking, but not really connecting?

It happens more often than we notice. We share ideas, offer opinions, try to understand each other, yet somehow the connection stays on the surface.

In leadership and in life, the way we listen shapes the quality of every relationship and every moment of connection. It’s not just whether we listen, but where we place our attention.

There are three levels of listening that make all the difference.

Level 1 is internal listening.
Our attention is on us. We hear the words but interpret them through our own thoughts, judgments and experiences. It helps us make sense of things, but it keeps the focus inward.

Level 2 is focused listening.
Our attention shifts over there. We are fully present with the other person and listen for what matters to them — their ideas, emotions and point of view.

Level 3 is global listening.
Here the focus widens to 360 degrees. We notice tone, emotion, body language, energy and even what’s not being said. We sense what’s happening between us and in the space around us.

When we listen at Level 3, something changes.
The conversation slows down. Understanding deepens. People feel safe to say what they really mean.

Next time you’re in a conversation, pause and notice — which level are you listening from?
And what might happen if you shifted it, just for a moment?

(Adapted from the Co-Active Coaching model, Co-Active Training Institute)

Have you felt that no matter how many things you try for your growth, the impact doesn’t last?

In my coaching conversations, I often see leaders spread their energy across many different development goals. They experiment, try a few things, move on quickly, and then find themselves circling back to the same theme again and again.

From coaching many leaders through their development, I’ve come to see that meaningful growth often requires focus.

That’s why I’ve found The One Big Thing (OBT), a practice from The Leadership Circle, to be such a powerful developmental tool. Instead of chasing five different goals, you identify one significant shift, the “one big thing” that, if fully embodied, would truly take you to the next level.

And often, that shift isn’t about learning a new skill. It’s more about a change in stance, a shift in thinking, or a different way of showing up.

You then stay with it. Until it’s no longer just something you’re working on, but part of who you are.

It sounds simple. But staying with one thing, resisting the urge to scatter your focus, is where the real transformation lies.

OBT is just one of the many tools I use in coaching, and I’ve seen it help leaders create lasting shifts in how they show up.

What is the one big thing that, if you truly committed to it this year, would transform your leadership, and your life?

Why do we cling so tightly to being right, even when it steals our calm?

Do you find yourself going in circles in meetings, or stuck in silly arguments?

There’s a story I love, told by the great meditation master Ajahn Chah. It was later retold by Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk known for his warm and practical wisdom.

A couple is out walking one evening when they hear a “Quack! Quack!” in the woods.
The wife says, “That’s a duck.”
The husband insists, “No, that’s a chicken.”
Back and forth they go: “It’s a duck!” “It’s a chicken!”
Finally, the wife softens and says, “You know what, you’re right. It is a chicken.”

She realised something simple: it didn’t matter whether it was a chicken or a duck. What mattered was their harmony, their relationship.

In leadership (and in life), we often waste so much energy in the same way — locked in arguments, trying to prove ourselves right. We assume letting go makes us look weak.

But true strength is seeing clearly what matters.

Not who is right, but what is important.

Where in your life or leadership are you stuck with the chickens and ducks?

In leadership, the most overlooked part of any conversation is often the beginning.

Bill Torbert calls it Framing, the first of the four parts of speech.

Think of framing as drawing a boundary wall around the conversation. Not to keep people out, but to mark the space we are stepping into together. It shows why we are here and what we hope to get out of this exchange.

Without that wall, people are left to guess. They spend energy trying to figure out the point instead of fully engaging with what matters.

With a clear frame, everyone knows how to orient their attention. The conversation feels safer, more focused, and more purposeful.

In leadership this can make all the difference:

“I want to share some observations about how we’re approaching this project, and then agree on two adjustments we could make going forward.”
“I’d like to hear your perspective on how the role is evolving, and align on the next priorities for you.”
“I want to share my appreciation for the work you have been doing.”
“I want to check in on how you’re feeling about workload, and see if we can agree on a plan to make it more sustainable.”

In a way, framing is like a mini summary of the whole conversation before it begins. It acts as a guard rail that prevents it from derailing and gently guides it toward the outcome you have in mind.

And this is not only true at work. Even in personal life, how often do misunderstandings come from not saying upfront why we want to talk? A little framing can prevent a lot of unnecessary tension.

As a leader, partner, parent, or friend, when was the last time you framed a conversation and how did it change what followed?

Under stress, our ability to think almost vanishes, even for the most experienced among us.

In leadership and in life, we like to believe we will rise to the occasion. In reality, stress strips away clear thinking, and we fall back on the habits we have built.

That is why habits matter. When pressure mounts, the mind does not rely on clever ideas or quick problem solving. It relies on what has been practiced.

As a SCUBA diver, I have learned this in a very real way. Imagine being 20 meters underwater when your mask gets knocked off. Panic floods in as quickly as the water. In that moment, no amount of quick thinking will save you. But if you have practiced the habit of calmly clearing your mask again and again, your body just does it. You breathe, you stay calm, you stay alive.

Divers who have been through emergencies often say the same thing afterward: what saved them was not quick thinking, it was a habit drilled into them through practice.

Good habits save you under pressure. What habits are you building today that you can count on when stress takes away your ability to think?

How far did your new year resolutions work this year?

Are they already long forgotten? Don’t give up just yet.

Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk known for his practical and often humorous wisdom, once shared a simple story.

He held up a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this?”
The answer, he said, doesn’t depend on the weight itself but on how long you hold it. A minute is fine. An hour, and your arm aches. A day, and it feels unbearable. To make it light again, all you need to do is put it down.
Change works the same way. We often try to hold on with sheer willpower. But the longer we strain, the heavier it feels.

The real key? Simple practices that guide you toward lasting change.

Take weight loss.
Crash diets might bring quick results, but sustaining that level is the real challenge. Imagine you always feel hungry around 4 pm. Instead of reaching for coffee and cake, preempt it with a small salad at 3:30. One small shift helps you avoid slipping back into the old loop.
Or quitting smoking.
Rather than relying on the promise “I will not smoke,” make it easier for yourself. Notice the situations where you tend to give in, and design rules around them. For example, choosing to meet friends at a restaurant where smoking is not allowed is a far simpler rule to follow.
Lasting change is less about fighting yourself and more about shaping your environment and routines. Pay attention to your patterns. Once you see them, make small adjustments to disrupt them. Simple practices like these are the scaffolding that keep new behaviors in place, one step at a time.

As we move through the rest of 2025, maybe it is time to adjust the resolution: don’t just push harder. Design smarter. Put the glass down.

What have you found helpful in creating sustainable change in your own life?

Ever feel like your energy is drained and you are only half present?

What if the key to more energy is not doing more, but being fully present in what you do?

Ajahn Brahm, a Buddhist monk known for his warm and practical wisdom, once told a story of a young Australian man who travelled all the way to Thailand to meet the great meditation master Ajahn Chah.

After days of travel, he reached the monastery eager to ask his questions. But surrounded by crowds, he realized he would never get the chance. Disappointed, he turned to leave.

With time to spare before his ride, he picked up a broom and began sweeping the grounds.

Soon Ajahn Chah appeared, placed a hand on his shoulder, and said just one thing:

“If you are going to sweep the grounds, give it everything you have got.”

That simple teaching was not only about sweeping. It was about life.

Too often we scatter our attention, juggling many things but being present to none of them. The result is stress, drained energy, and people who feel we are only half there.

When we give our full attention, not 50 percent, not 99, but 100, something shifts. We complete the task with clarity. We generate energy. We build trust. We create space for others to give their best too.

Presence does not drain us. Presence fuels us. Presence transforms ordinary moments into meaningful ones.

One thing. One moment. Give it everything you have got.

Where in your leadership or in your life would giving 100 percent presence make the biggest difference right now?